This will contain language. I’ll try to keep it to a minimum but i’m pretty frustrated and my filter is long gone. I think I’m starting to come to grips with the fact that I’ll be single forever. I don’t know what I’ve been doing wrong, but with my track record and how this school year went, I’m going to be single for a long time and it might not change. But seriously. as much as i don’t want to be a downer, it’s been a huge parade of opportunities and I haven’t gotten anything but shit to prove it. I can be great friends with a girl but as soon as I try to pursue any farther than that, something magical happens and I get fucking torched. Seriously, this is how it happened. 4 fucking times: The first girl and I started getting close, classes start to keep us from hanging out, then a week later she starts dating someone. The fuck? that’s cool. so forget that and i move on. I started hanging out with another girl. we spent a while getting real close. We told each other how we felt then she decides that she doesn’t wanna date. and the apology was bullshit. of all the girls I’ve talked to, she was the one i thought was basically everything i needed. as it seemed like it was going to happen, the rug was pulled out from under me, and i was led on like a pig to slaughter. That probably hurt the worst of all. knowing how she felt then not getting any type of explanation except “I’m sorry.” The next one’s fun too! (sarcasm). My close friend tried to set me up. I wasn’t necessarily interested, but after hanging out she seemed really cool and even though we had only hung out once, i figured there would be other chances but it was just a huge let down. And to save myself the pain of rehashing a recent one, I basically got ignored and friend-zoned. cancelled plans and shit. 4 girls. 4 let downs. 8 months.

I’ve been trying to figure out why the hell it all happened like this. And I can’t find an answer. Its not like i keep getting friend-zoned. it just all blows up. At this point i’ve come to two choices: keep everything strictly physical, or just fuck it and stay single. As much as i’d love to lean towards emotionless, physical hook ups, i can’t help but have some kind of small attachment. I still just don’t know what i’m doing wrong. or if i’m even doing something wrong. I could be doing everything right but i just don’t have a fucking clue. I’m trying to avoid a relationship as shitty as my last one, and i’m not just chasing any skirt that walks by. I seriously tried with each one, but got shit in return. I’m just drained and frustrated and sick of this shit. I grow as a person by finding out what i did wrong, but I’m at a loss for ideas of how to change and fix my issue. if it even is an issue. either way, i’m done with these fucking emotions and i’m done caring and i’m done wanting a relationship. I’m ready to go forward. Fuck emotions. Fuck relationships. Fuck everything. i’m done. I may seem cynical and stupid, but i don’t care anymore. I’m not sorry for myself and I’m not sorry about what happened. I’m moving on. No more giving a shit about whether or not a girl likes me. No more giving a shit at all. I’ve been focusing on others for so long. i’ve been selfless for a long time and i’m burnt the fuck out. I don’t care if it’s selfish, but i’m gonna focus on me for a while. For the first time in a long fucking time.

I love to learn something new and I love experiencing new things. I figure that there are so many awesome things that I haven’t done! So I’ll be 25 in 6 years (freaky) therefore, I decided to make a list of 25 things to do before I turn 25. I figured by that point (God willing) I’ll be either in a serious relationship, engaged, or married, so stuff related to that like kids and stuff won’t be on the list! Just to clarify, I have not done any of the things on this list!!! Some will be easy and some will be a serious challenge, but it’s not about getting it done. It’s about the adventure that goes along with it! :)

1. Read the ENTIRE bible (I’m lamenting about Lamentations already HAHA)
2. Hike to the top of a mountain alone
3. Go on a camping trip on my own
4. Skydive
5. Learn to play piano 
6. Go hunting
7. Write a song for a girl then sing it to her (guitar or piano)
8. Be completely self-sufficient (don’t live with parents)
9. Trace my lineage back as far as I can
10. Travel to Ireland (and go to a real Irish pub)
11. Help someone accept Christ
12. Learn how to swing dance
13. Find a mentor
14. Learn to cook
15. Watch the sun rise
16. Pick up photography
17. Spend an entire day focused on God
18. Wear an ugly Christmas sweater in the summer
19. Get Lasik eye surgery (no more glasses or contacts)
20. Have Christmas celebrated at my house
21. Become a member of a church
22. Get a motorcycle license
23. Get a tattoo
24. Give someone an unexpected gift
25. Sleep under the stars

Well there you have it. 25 things by the time I turn 25. I hope that through this journey to 25 I’ll learn a lot about myself, God, and His will for me. I hope to make some new friends and look back on these adventures as the time of my life. May I never forget this list and let not one thing go unaccomplished. I have exactly 5 years, 4 months, and 25 days. 

it’s been 8 years since i got the news that would change who i am. I still remember where i was. it was mid afternoon on a friday. Peter and i were in the basement: our man cave. It was our regular friday night. man-caving it up like we always did. Then we heard some commotion upstairs, but since we were 11 and 9, we figured it was grown-up stuff and if we asked we would be told that we don’t need to worry about then pushed out of the room to go play. Oh how i wish that’s all it was. or anything else. i got an F on a report card, or i hit my brother, or i broke something, or i burned the house down. Anything but this… but this is exactly what i got.

My dad came down to our man-cave. this is where i felt safe and secure. and that’s all about to change. He pulled up a chair and told us the one thing i really didn’t want to hear. “You guys know that Grandma’s pretty sick,” OH NO!! i knew it was coming. i felt it in my gut and it made a lump in my throat as i saw him tear up and continue as he said, “It was a long fight for her and she was in pain for as long as you’ve been alive.” uh-oh. past tense. that only means one thing: “The fight is finally over, and Grandma passed away a few hours ago. She’s in Heaven now” I just lost it. How? Why? who can i be mad at?… no one. it’s no one’s fault and that’s what makes it even harder. There’s no one to make amends with and no one to forgive. I didn’t know that at the time. and looking back that was extremely selfish. My grandmother was in so much pain but i wanted her to stay here an suffer because i couldn’t bear to see her go. i don’t blame her for anything that happened because she died. It was God’s plan and my negative thoughts about what happened are my own and i’m responsible for everything that happened.

8 years have gone by and i’m having a hard time realizing that it’s been so long and that i was able to move on. Maryann Peer is a saint. She was such a calm, pleasant, humble, warm, loving, peaceful, caring, gentle, and honest. She was everything i needed in a grandmother. and more than i ever deserved. the best thing i can relate her to is when Atticus says that mockingbirds “don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.” She did nothing but provide a fantastic life for her whole family, grandchildren included. She’s like a dove. An angel. To me, she is better than anything else i know. I never saw her do anything wrong. that’s why i hold her in such high regard.

Looking back on the 11 years i knew her, i can say that they were the happiest days of my life. It was carefree and full of fun and joy. i can’t help but smile at the times we spent together and treasure them dearly.

It’s been 8 years Grandma. I miss you and you’ve done so much for me. Thanks

I’m finally back!

As i make my long awaited return to tumblr, I have to be honest and say that i may not post much. I’m an RA and taking 18 credits this semester, so needless to say, i’m busy. Anyway, I’m here to talk about this photo. Isn’t it awesome! stumbleupon is so good to me by showing me this photo. I’ve been an RA for only 2 short months, but i’ve learned so much about all the kids on my floor, but i’ve also established a greater sense of self-identity. Even though i’m from Jersey, NYC is my real home. Although i love southern California, i’m a big city boy at heart. Frank Sinatra’s New York, New York and Billy Joel’s New York State Of Mind are my theme songs. I’ve stood at Broadway and 34th street so many times, and felt like i’m home. Anyone who knows me well knows that i’m a true blue Yankees fan; and every time i step off the subway at the 161st street station, I feel at home. chanting and shouting and cheering is all the same no matter where i’m sitting, because i’m usually standing during the games anyway. I just love this team and this stadium and it feels like a party and i tfeels like home. Especially while Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York” plays after the game. Then the ensuing mob as I get to the subway to get from the Bronx to Manhattan. I just keep thinking about Billy Joel’s NY State of Mind. He actually wrote that song on a Greyhound on the Hudson River line. He lived in Hollywood for a few years and missed NYC the whole time. I’m only in central Pennsylvania, but i feel like i’m a thousand miles away (I’m really 150 miles away). That’s way too far for me. I miss it so bad. I just want to go back. Strolling down Broadway from 34th street where i still look up in awe at the empire state building up to times square where i have so many fond memories of younger days. There’s so much going on that it feels like a huge party. Everything from Minskoff theater to toys r us to the big split in broadway to walking in the street to all the Irish pubs to convo’s with homeless people to the feeling of belonging, TS is where it’s at. I love the walk from times square to rockafeller center. Passing Ray’s pizza (so freakin good) and the waterfall building (words don’t describe it). Finally seeing some green trees and knowing you’re there. Being able to watch people skate in the winter and looking at the monstrous tree that makes me feel like it’s time for Christmas. St Patrick’ Cathedral still blows my mind. Walking into that church is such a good way to center and relax in a very busy city. After admiring the stained glass and incredibly intricate altar, it’s off to Central Park: my childhood playground. Walking up 5th Ave and watching the specks that are the tree tops grow larger and larger as i get excited for another great part of my home. After a few blocks, i reach the southeastern corner of Central park. but there are some places to go to first before we dive into the park. first to the right is F.A.O. Schwartz, an old school toy store that is so easy to spend all day in. The stuffed animals are large and in charge. Kids walk out of the store with ears larger than them! too cool. After i’ve had my fill of hugging these Goliath animals, it’s time to head over to the Mickey Mantle sports bar. vintage yankee memories of the Babe and his legacy along with Maris and Mantle flood back to mind. after a nostalgia trip, it’s time to take a stroll into Central park. While admiring artists’ work and caricatures-in-progress and musicians, we press on towards the Central Park Zoo. While i wish the Madagascar characters were there, none of those animals (lion, zebra, hippo, & giraffe) are actually in the zoo!!! Either way, the park zoo rocks. After checking out all those animals, it’s time to check out some dead ones! It’s time to get off our feet and take a cab ride up to 77th street and hope to see Ben Stiller outside the Museum of Natural History (best place ever. kid or adult.) but he’s never there… dang. if there was one place i would love to get lost in, it’s here. there isn’t a single section of this museum that doesn’t wow me and excite me and make me want to have an adventure in that place. Whether i’m in prehistoric times or a Mayan temple or the Great Plains with Native American tribes or underwater or in the jungle, i’m having an action packed adventure and i never want it to end. Every room is another story and i still dream about them. i experience those little childhood memories even today while walking past gorillas and elephants and the huge aquatic section and the dinosaurs and tigers. i’m an animal/history N-E-R-D! and i love it!

I’ve told people how much i love New York but haven’t articulated it quite like this. I’ve had dreams of working in the NYPD and even retiring in NYC with season tickets to the Yankees. I don’t know what my future holds, but i know NYC is going to have a part in it. In some way i know we’ll be intertwined. i’m in love this little place on earth and i know deep down that i’ll be back there soon. I don’t care if it’s Chinatown or on Riverside.

I’m in a New York state of mind.

My life is so blessed that reality is better than my dreams at night

This is my life in 23 words.

I’m finally starting to believe this.

So i’m kinda interested in this girl a little. actually… not a little, but i feel like i won’t wind up with her. but that’s not the point. I’m not used to dating. I’ve been out of the “game” since junior year so i’m not making the right choices. This girl is really cool and i feel like she’s interested… sometimes. The other times i get one word texts or messages that are impossible to respond to. I feel like i’m trying to hard to keep the friendship growing. Some advice from a good friend let me know what i’m doing wrong, but i still wonder if i’m even supposed to date her. I’m just confused. I over-think things like it’s my job. and i feel like i figure out God’s plans for things, but then something happens and i’m back to where i started. And i realize i know nothing about His plan. Frustrated, i’ve bitten my lip so hard that it bleeds. I feel like i figure things out, then i find out that i’m all wrong. I have countless questions. Like Why?  Why am i trying so hard to figure out something that i’ll never comprehend? I need to forget dating. You told me not to date this year. and that’s getting painful to have to say. I trust you, and strength is rising as i’m waiting, but it seems tedious and extraneous! I think You’re just testing me… but i’m trying to figure out your plan again. and i’m probably wrong. again. but i still feel like this is a test. I’ll pass this one. James 1:12 says “blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” and You’ve been faithful with all of Your past promises, so You’ll keep this one. It’s tough, but i firmly believe that You will reward me for this. This is getting tough, but Your promise is the light at the end of the tunnel. and i can’t wait to finally, after two years, put myself back out on the market.

show me the girl who will tell me this!

I love these quiet moments late at night. I love my relationship with God. We’re close. He knows me so well and i’m slowly getting to know Him. I love Him. That’s the only way i can describe it. Just love. Every time i see Jesus’ face i feel like i’m falling in love… again. I love feeling His presence. He’s my best friend, really. He never leaves my side. He’s the guy who pats me on the back when i do good stuff. He picks me up when i straight up beef it and hit my face on the ground. He walks with me, but guides me. My Jesus is with me. Always. Because He’s a good friend. And good friends don’t leave. He doesn’t. So i don’t. Right? At least i won’t as long as i possibly can. You can’t pull me away from Him. Like in those movies where someone is trying to rip a person from the thing they love most. But their love for what they’re holding onto is too great to be overcome. That’s like me and my Jesus. Nothing nothing nothing can pull me from Him. I’m in love. Jesus is my best friend. I see His face and joy floods me. Friends take a bullet for each other, but He took up a cross for me. What???? Who am i? why do i deserve a friend like this? He bled for me? and because of that, i’m rescued and i get to share in His victory??? THANK YOU! There’s no way i can possibly show my gratitude to Him. But all He says is, “It’s cool, dude. Just live with Me. We’ll be close. You’ll be a jerkface sometimes. But it’s cool. I know you. and you just got caught in some useless junk and took a wrong turn,but I’m over here. Let’s get back on track.” Jesus is a pretty cool guy. He’s patient. Praise God for it. If i were Him, i would of peaced it years ago. But the best part is (check this out), He loves me and is jealous for me. I know that sounds really self-centered, but its the God of the universe. The God that made me. The God that made everything possible. The God that is incomprehensible. The God who destroyed death. HE is jealous for ME. I can’t believe that He wants me that badly. And it doesn’t even end there. He sought me out. and i couldn’t hide any longer. “Andrew! I finally reached you. Come on. Here’s your chance. Live with Me. I created you and I need you. You’re a real mess, dude. even 3 years from now. you’re gonna a mess. but I’ve got work for you to do. I can’t tell you all the details now because I know you and you’ll force things, but I’ll reveal some stuff when you need to know it. When you see it, I know that you’ll love it. It’s what you love and you don’t even know you love it yet. Isn’t that cool? I made you a pretty good life, son. It has been blessed. I know you’re good now, but through Me, you’ll overflow with My Spirit. I promise you, Andrew, that I will never abandon you. you’re name is written in My Book of Life. You might get hit with some tough things to handle. and i will never promise that your life will be easy, but when you arrive on My shores, you can hang with me, dude. It’s a beach, so We can go surfing and make sand castles and stuff. you’re going to be happy. I know it. I’ll give you what you need and more. I’ll help you out. I’ve had Jesus walk besides you all this time and you didn’t even know. You two work really well together. You needed a savior, and Jesus paid for all you’ve done. That may seem crazy, but I do this because I love you and you’re My beloved. I love you with all I am. And that’s a lot. I’ll make you a fisher of men. You’re a good kid. But work with me. I’ll make you a great man. Let’s get started. We’ve got a long road ahead of us.” 

I don’t get why single people get depressed or upset around Valentine’s day. It’s not about showing off who you’re with, and it’s not about the universe mocking you and labeling you as single. It’s about showing your appreciation for someone who loves you and loving them back. If you’re that stressed about this holiday, then you must not be too busy. There are so many more important things to worry about than being pointed out as a single on only one day of the year. Seriously. It’s not a big deal. Messiah’s whole ‘ring by spring’ saying is getting people angry in the season of appreciation and love. Today, someone asked me what Valentine’s Day means to me personally since i’m single. And it’s about me trusting in God’s plan for me. If i uphold my end of the deal (which I am), then He will give me the blessings He’s promised for me. So, for all those who are calling Valentine’s day the single’s awareness day, just trust that God will give you a guy or girl that you can spend every Valentine’s Day with.

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest. I know You have plans that i can’t hope to comprehend. Sometimes it gets really tough to believe that. I know You’re here. I know You’ve got my back and You’re leading me, but I feel so lost. There are things you’ve revealed but there are things that still hide in the fog. I may just be needy or impatient, but this year is a long year. And now with it coming back, I’m really relying on You. and i know you won’t let me down. 

It’s not going to be easy, but it’s what I have to do to to get closer to you.

It’s going to be painful, but working through it will make me stronger.

Positive

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

God, I trust you. You’ve hit the weakest part of who I am… where I need it most. It’s gonna suck but I trust you. I’ve obeyed and followed You and I’m not doubting you for a second. I was mad at first but now it’s making me love you more. I realize I’m not ready. Shape me. Strengthen me. Make me who I need to be so when the time is right, I’ll be ready. Help me find what I need to rid myself of. Be with me. Watch me grow like a father watches his son turn into a man. Because You love like a hurricane and I’m a tree. Tend to me like a gardener tends to a tree in an orchard. Prune me water me fill me to the overflow. When I talk to people I don’t want them to talk to me, but to You. Let your Spirit come down. My God’s not dead. He’s surely alive. And He’s living on the inside roarin like a lion!